Unsettled restless careerless vocationless

I am always searching, yet never settling on one course- and that is being unsettled, restless.

The only times I have rested have been in prayer or in a temporary understanding of my entire life and career. The latter changes frequently, so it is not a source of rest or satisfaction.

I have yet to find a way to use all my talents and feel they are in the service of God at the same time. I often think of this way of life as imperfect and that I need to break with it in some way- when I was younger I thought the solution would be to go live in the wilderness- like Jeremiah Johnson but without the snow. I visualized myself as a refugee hiding in a national park. Now I often see it as moving to another city and starting to invest in real estate or going back to school for a Masters in something Christian so I have the credentials to write...

Then I wonder if I'm really supposed to leave apart any of my interests and talents- e.g. if I write but do other things (stay busy multitask) then I have other experiences to bring in as examples and am not one-dimensional in my writing.

I watched all of Dane Cook's comedy tour series in the last 2 days. I'm embarassed to say what the name of it was and not excited about some of the things I thought were funny- there's a sense of how the Holy Spirit makes me pure, and when I think those things or absurd situations on South Park are funny, I feel a discomfort in my stomach. Anyway, when I watch comedians on tour, I want to be a comedian- "I'm funny," I think, "but I don't know anything about writing jokes and I'd have to go through all that performing and honing material and maybe I'm not really funny. I was funny when I taught medical terminology but that was making up jokes on the spot" whereas comedy routines require going from nothingness to the funniness in a planned way. If you don't plan it, you're doing the daring thing Jim Carrey did for a year or two of going to the club with no material... even when Seinfeld started trying totally new jokes after his TV series was over, it took him a long time to build up 30 minutes of material, and Jay Leno said "I could never do that, I couldn't let go of my material, it's too scary".

But the point was that I think I can do anything I hear about others doing- and I want to do it all right then and make it to the top and become famous in my head. Then I 'come to my senses' and realize I can't be the best at anything unless I commit to it but there are too many things I could do well and enjoy doing and I don't want to give any of them up. But unless I focus on one, I can't maximize my ability or production of any of them enough to be noticed by too many people... alas.